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They live across the country and she’s asked us if we can come and help. Of course we want to, but we both have some obligations and commitments that are making it very difficult to just up and leave.
She says: Making sacrifices for our daughter is a life-long duty.
We gave up things for her when she was a child, so we should be willing to do it now, no matter the cost.
He says: Of course we should do everything we reasonably can to help her through this.
But we have our own life, including commitments, and can’t just drop everything.
It’s great how you both want to help your daughter’s family. Your tension is not about whether, but how much, help to give or, as you put it, it’s between “no matter what the cost” and “everything we reasonably can.” Let’s start with a commercial airline analogy.
You’ve probably heard this pre-flight instruction: In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. Why? When you take care of your own oxygen needs first, you do it both for your own sake and for the sake of others.
The same principle applies here. You need to meet your own needs before attempting to meet those of your daughter and her family. This doesn’t mean your needs are more important. Indeed, she is and always will be the “supreme gift” (CCC 2378) of your marriage, and so you are absolutely right to feel compelled to help her out. Rather, the analogy means that prioritizing yourselves will not only strengthen you but help you, in the long run, to better assist your daughter.
Bottom line: Definitely, for her sake as well as yours, make sure whatever help you give does not put an excessive strain on the two of you as you navigate your own obligations and commitments. So, as you discuss exactly what you can do for her, a key guiding principle should be “everything we can, as long as it does not put an undue strain on us.”
Granted, you might have differing views about exactly which of your commitments, obligations and plans could be canceled or postponed without putting “an undue strain” on either or both of you.
But it’s a starting point, and it’s one you should communicate to your daughter as soon as you can, even before you decide, together, how you’re going to respond. And then look to Scripture, and seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, as you move forward: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal 6:2)
Steve and Bridget Patton hold master’s degrees in theology and counseling and serve as family life ministers in the Diocese of Sacramento.